


by the still of your hand

by teruhvighnen



Series: the drug, the dark, the light, the flame [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Breaking Up & Making Up, Character with PTSD, Elijah's POV, Kid Fic, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, Separation and Reconciliation, mention of slight anger management, outsider pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 15:43:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18742069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teruhvighnen/pseuds/teruhvighnen
Summary: Elijah is three years old when Steve and Bucky adopt him. He is seven when they separate. He is nine when his father comes back.





	by the still of your hand

**Author's Note:**

> steve and bucky don't interact really again lmao sorry  
> elijah and david call bucky tata, and they call steve dad  
> america calls them uncle (the spanish is reserved for her immediate family and her grandma only lmao)

When his dad starts dating Sharon, Elijah’s first reaction is anger. Anger is an acceptable emotion, Elijah knows. Mr. Barton said so just last week at school when Elijah almost punched another kid for saying stuff about _Tata_ , about Bucky. Mr. Barton made him stay back after class and told him that anger was okay, but to lash out, and to hurt others because of your anger, that’s where the line is drawn. Mr. Barton promised Elijah that he wouldn’t say anything to his dad for now, but if, next time, it escalates, Mr. Barton would call his dad to the school and Elijah might get in real trouble.

So, anger. Just the feeling.

Elijah holes himself up in his room the night of his dad’s first date with Sharon. He misses his other father, his _Tata_. He knows it’s not his fault that Bucky left, not his fault that Steve and Bucky aren’t together, not his fault that Steve is dating someone else. They’ve told Elijah and David this a million times. _But still._

 _Process your thoughts, Eli. Think about why you’re mad and then tell someone or write it down. Use your words before your fists or your body._ Mr. Barton’s words swim around in Elijah’s mind. He isn’t ready to tell anyone, so he writes it down. He grabs one of his school notebooks and tears out a page from the middle.

_I’m mad._

He scratches that out.

_Why is dad dating someone new? When is Tata coming home?_

Ugh. It’s not easy. He doesn’t feel like writing. He throws that piece of paper away and rips a new one out. This time, he takes his markers and draws himself, David, his dad, his _Tata._ He draws his family the way he wants it to look like. David and him on the swings with dad and _Tata_  pushing them higher. He draws his family the way he remembers. On the couch at Grandma Wilson’s house. David, a little bundle of a baby, cradled in _Tata'_ s arms and Elijah, three years old, sitting on his dad’s lap. For good measure, he adds Uncle Sam and Uncle Riley and America between them.

He folds this piece of paper and sticks it in his backpack.

* * *

David’s fifth birthday comes and goes and Bucky doesn’t show up. Steve says that that’s okay because Bucky sent David his gift in the mail. David opens it, his eyes widening in awe as he follows the grooves of Bucky’s name on his dog tags. Elijah helps David put them around his neck.

Elijah has Bucky’s Bronze Star sitting safely on his desk in his bedroom. On the days they’re allowed to call _Tata,_ Elijah asks Bucky about it. _How did you get it? Why did they give it to you?_ Elijah learns the answers from Steve because Bucky cannot tell Elijah without choking up. Steve says, “Because your father was good at what he does, because he saved people.” _Did they give him the star because he lost his arm?_ Steve says, “They gave it to him because even though he lost his arm, he still fought back and he didn’t quit, and because of that, a lot of people were saved.”

Elijah smiles, content, ending every phone call with: “I love you, _Tata._ I hope you come home soon.”

* * *

Elijah is three when Steve Rogers and James Barnes adopt him. He doesn’t remember his real parents. Sometimes, he dreams about a woman with black hair singing him lullabies.

Elijah is four when Steve and Bucky bring David home. His little brother cries too much and smells like poop. But he laughs when Elijah makes funny faces at him and Elijah decides that David’s okay to stay.

Elijah is five when Bucky is called to join a Spec Ops mission. At the airport, Bucky carries Elijah until he has to go through the metal detectors. Even then, Bucky is reluctant to let go of Elijah. Elijah remembers how much he cried, how much he begged for Bucky to stay. He remembers how sweetly and carefully Bucky wiped Elijah’s tears.

“You’re gonna take care of Davie for me, right, Eli?” Eli nods. “He’s gonna need his big brother. And your dad is gonna need you too, okay. You have to tell him all your jokes, okay, pal? I’m gonna miss you, kid. I love you the universe, Eli. Always.”

Elijah does not see his father for a year and a half.

When Elijah is nearly seven, his _Tata_  comes home with his face covered by his beard and his hair down to his shoulders. Bucky comes home with one arm and a Bronze Star.

The screaming wakes Elijah. He covers his ears and pulls the blanket up over his head. Something breaks in his parents’ room and Elijah runs over to David’s bed across the room and covers his little brother’s ears. Later, Elijah will wake up to Steve adding another blanket over them. In the morning, Elijah notices how red his _Tata_ ’s eyes are, how dark the skin underneath his eyes are, but doesn’t say anything. Elijah kisses Bucky’s cheek before he rushes out to catch the bus to school.

Elijah is seven and a half when Bucky says he has to leave. _Where are you going? How long are you gonna be gone for? Can I come with you?_

Bucky shakes his head. His bags are all packed; one duffel bag and one backpack worth of things. Bucky kneels so that he is nearly as tall as Elijah. He takes out something from his pocket and hands it over to Elijah. It’s a star and ribbon.

“I want you to have this,” his _Tata_  says. He says he loves Elijah and David, and then he apologizes and apologizes and apologizes. Bucky hugs him hard. Elijah wants to complain that he can’t breathe, that his chest hurts from how fiercely Bucky is hugging him but he doesn’t want his father to let go of him; he doesn’t want the hug to ever end. _I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Eli. I’m sorry, Elijah._

Steve explains it to Elijah later. Tells him that Bucky is sick.

“Not the kind of sick where you puke or get really cold or cough a lot. A different kind of sick. Your _Tata_ ’s brain and heart, they hurt.”

Elijah is on the couch, back against Steve’s broad chest, enveloped by his dad’s arms. Him and David both in Steve’s warm embrace.

“Is he going to the doctor?

“He’s going to a special doctor, yeah.”

“When is he gonna stop being sick?”

“I don’t know, Eli. We don’t know. It could take a very long time.”

“Is he coming home tonight?” Elijah wants his _Tata_  to read to him before bedtime, the way he used to before.

“No, not tonight, buddy.”

“Is he very far away?”

“He’s gonna stay in Manhattan. Do you know where that is?” Across the water, where Stark Tower is. His father is still in New York but somehow, Elijah knows he is still so far away. If he’s not home, he’s far away.

“Can we call him?”

“Sometimes, yes.”

Elijah sighs and frees himself from Steve’s arms. “Can we go to bed now?”

“Sure, buddy. Anything you want.”

Elijah wants his father back, but he doesn’t think that’s what his dad really means.

The sad thing is that Elijah is a little bit used to not having Bucky there. Still, in the morning, he hopes Bucky is back at the kitchen counter cooking eggs and bacon for breakfast.

On his eighth birthday, Elijah wishes his _Tata_  will come surprise him. He blows out the candle and waits and waits and waits. Steve places a box on his bed right before he goes to sleep. There’s a card. Elijah asks Steve to read it to him. _Elijah, happy birthday. I’m sorry I can’t be there today but please know that I wish I was there. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be. I love you and I miss you._

Bucky’s gift is not as flashy as the others he got today. It is probably unremarkable to anyone else, but to Elijah, whose father loves the night sky, the homemade star frame is an excellent gift. Bucky even left him instructions on how to use it. _Wherever you are, and wherever I am, you should know that we are looking at the same sky, at the same stars. I’m thinking of you and Davie, and how nothing really separates us. You are here with me, in my heart, always._

“Is _Tata_ here?” Elijah gestures to his chest. Steve nods, smiling.

“If you want him to be, then he is.”

“Always?”

“’Til the end of the line.”

A few days after Elijah’s eighth birthday, he notices that his dad stops wearing his wedding ring.

When Elijah is nine and a half, Steve starts seeing Miss Carter. She’s blonde like his dad is. She’s nice. She comes to David’s birthday party and gives David a water gun. She goes out with his dad more. She stays over the day before they leave for Uncle Sam and Uncle Riley’s house for the weekend. She comes with them to Uncle Sam and Uncle Riley’s house.

* * *

On the drive over, Elijah lowers his voice so that their dad doesn’t hear, and asks David what he wished for on his birthday.

David shrugs; he’s trying to pay attention to the movie. “Iunno…I think I asked for legos and for _Tata._ ” Elijah smiles. They have to ask for that every birthday, even if it might not come true. You never know. Their dad says sometimes wishes work differently; they may not be fulfilled the second you wish for them, then you just have to wait and see.

* * *

Elijah and David are half eating and half playing around. Their dad is standing by Uncle Sam. Uncle Riley is trying to feed America but she keeps getting up and playing with the balloon animals that Uncle Riley made for them. Their dad says that the Erskine-Wilsons are like their family, that they are a part of their family too, even though they only see all of them three times a year. This is the first of three: America’s birthday. Then they see them again at Thanksgiving. And then at Christmas. _Tata_  said that Grandma Wilson, Uncle Sam’s mom, is kind of like Elijah and David’s grandmother too. He said she kind of raised _Tata_. That’s why he calls her Mama, just like Uncle Sam does. Bucky’s real parents live in Indiana, but they don’t go there as much. _Tata_  said his step-father, Alexander, wasn’t really nice. But Grandma Wilson is the nicest, so she gets to see them during holidays and Grandpa Alexander doesn’t. Which is okay with Elijah. Grandma Wilson gives the best hugs and she makes the best brownies.

Elijah is trying to eat a whole chicken drumstick when the door to Uncle Sam and Uncle Riley’s backyard opens and Bucky steps forward. Elijah drops his chicken and wipes his hands on his pants. His dad will get annoyed later but now, Elijah doesn’t care because their _Tata_  is here. David and America stop too and then they’re all running towards Bucky, and baby Monica is hot on their trails. Elijah lets David and America win the race. He holds out his hand for Monica and then helps her walk the rest of the way through to Bucky.

Happiness.

Mr. Barton said this is a magical feeling. The kind where you can use your body first.

Elijah jumps into the fray, excitedly. He hasn’t seen Bucky for nearly two years. He has a beard on his face but he cut his hair. And Elijah barely notices the absence of Bucky’s left arm. He’s crying into his father’s shoulder before he even knows it. Bucky wipes away his tears, the way he used to before.

“David wished for you to come,” Elijah tells his _Tata_  once they’re inside the house. Bucky smiles at him, all teeth, cheeks red.

“Are you all better now?”

Before his father can answer, he is interrupted by America screaming at and then promptly bombarding her uncle with a million questions about what he’s going to give her as a birthday gift. Bucky turns to Elijah though and winks. _Later, I’ll tell you later, because this little monster will keep screaming in my eardrum._

Later, after everyone’s gone home, and he’s changed into his pajamas, Elijah seeks out his father.

“Where’s _Tata?_ ”

“Basement. Knock before you go in.”

Elijah knocks three times and Bucky invites him into the bedroom in the basement. It’s not as homey as their room upstairs and that makes Elijah smile a little. Bucky is not living here; this is not his home. His home is back home with them in Brooklyn, in the room he shares with Steve.

“Hey, buddy,” Bucky says, opening his duffel bag and pulling out his pajamas.

“ _Tata,_  are you gonna come home with us when we leave on Sunday?”

Bucky turns to him and gestures for him to sit on the bed. And then he sits beside Elijah and puts his arm around him.

“I don’t know, bud. Your dad and I, we’re going through some things, yeah? I’ll be back in Brooklyn on Sunday too, but I don’t know if I’m gonna go back to the same house as you guys.”

“Because of Sharon? I could ask dad if he could stop seeing her. Will that make you come back and live with us in the same house?”

Bucky lifts an eyebrow. “Eli…I…” Why is this so hard for his _Tata_? He should know that Elijah will do anything for him. Yeah, Sharon’s nice but his father is his father. His dad and his _Tata_ should be together. Then the kids at school will stop talking bad about him, about his family.

“Elijah, listen to me, please. I’m not sure, okay. If your dad likes Sharon, then he should keep seeing her. That doesn’t mean I’ll love him any less. That doesn’t mean I’ll love you and Davie any less, okay? Awhile ago you asked if I was all better. The truth is that I’m not completely sure but right now, because of the help of a lot of people, I’m better than I was before. I don’t scream at night anymore and I don’t break stuff.”

“Dad said your head and your heart was sick.” Elijah’s eyes are stinging; he thinks he’s going to cry.

“Your dad was right. But because of doctors and medicines, I’m not as sick as I used to be. You know what helped a lot when I was away from you guys?” Elijah shakes his head.

“Looking up at the sky. There’s nothing up there but peace.”

“Dad said Manhattan was too bright to see the stars.”

“Your dad is still right. Maybe we can see them here; there’s less light pollution.”

“Like camping? Tonight?”

“Sure. If your dad and your uncles say it’s okay.”

 

Steve promises them Saturday night instead.

* * *

 

When it’s time for bed, after hot chocolate, Bucky insists on tucking Elijah and David into their beds.

“Me too, Uncle Bucky, please!” America shrieks.

First, Bucky tucks in America and kisses her forehead. Then he tucks in David on the top bunk. David shows their _Tata_  the dog tags around his neck and Bucky tells David that the power of having these with him is that Bucky will never ever be lost again, not when David has his dog tags. He’s simply not allowed to be lost.

Finally, he tucks in Elijah. “Tomorrow night,” _Tata_  says. Elijah smiles; he can’t wait. When _Tata_ kisses him goodnight, he tells Elijah and David how much he loves them ( _the universe_ ). He loves them with the magnitude of all the stars in the sky and the sun and the moon and the clouds; he loves them as brightly and as fiercely; he’s loved them as long as the stars have been up there, as long as they’ll stay up there.

When their _Tata_ leaves, their dad comes in and kisses them goodnight too. He reads David the rest of _Prince & Knight_. He sings Elijah a lullaby. Elijah doesn’t dream that night. There’s no need; reality is good enough.

 


End file.
